


Slipping

by ambiguousFern



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Blood, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27533026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambiguousFern/pseuds/ambiguousFern
Summary: The game was over, so why didn't Dirk feel safe?Dirk can't ignore his growing sense of paranoia. He needs to make sure he can protect his friends.Luckily, Jake is there to talk him down.*(Please be mindful of the tags! They are all fairly prevalent throughout the story.)*
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Slipping

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly self indulgent coupled with the idea that Dirk would probably have a hard time feeling safe on Earth-C after the game ended.

The game was over. They had won. Dirk should have been relieved; and at first he was, but that slowly started to melt into an unease that had been drilled into him for as long as he could remember, thanks to the Condesce and her many attempts on his life. Dirk knew that the longer he stayed dormant, enjoying the peace they had earned that was probably going to be short-lived, he was getting weaker, and less equipped to protect the ones he cared about.

Dirk had been slipping. Training, creating new metallic opponents only to destroy them, but not without letting them deal significant damage first. Part of that was the point, but he wouldn’t let himself admit it; trying to get stronger for some imaginary threat that would probably never come. They had secured their victory almost a year ago now, and he knew how irrational it was, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was necessary. He had stopped eating normally, started making himself bleed, slowly breaking himself down and then internally screaming that he needed to be stronger. He was slowing down and that wasn’t good enough. He hated himself and there was no one else to blame other than him.

His only steady constant was Jake. Jake was the only one who reassured Dirk that the world wouldn’t be pulled out from under him, keeping him grounded. Yet, even that felt unsteady at times, even more so lately. The fragility of their relationship had been evident in the past, and Dirk couldn’t let himself forget it. If Jake left him before, he would surely abandon Dirk again if he found out what he had been doing to himself; so Dirk tried to keep himself under wraps at all times. 

Unbeknownst to Dirk, Jake had been catching on. He just hadn’t quite put all of the pieces into place yet. All he knew was that something was wrong. Whenever he pulled Dirk into his embrace, the way he tensed when Jake held him close did not escape his notice, and he’d bitten back comments about how thin had gotten. Dirk had always been a wiry fellow, but the way Jake could feel his ribs and the jagged ridges of his spine through his shirt was startling to say the least. Dirk had taken to wearing long sleeves, which was also highly irregular. Usually, when it was cold out, Jake would practically have to wrestle him into a jacket for fear he would freeze. Dirk was just that stubborn. 

Dirk heard his computer indicate that someone was trying to pester him. He forced himself away from the machinery he was currently tinkering with over to his monitor, tapping the keyboard a few times to awaken the device.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

GT: Dirk?  
GT: are you there?  
GT: I really hope you're alright,  
GT: I've hardly heard from you as of late.  
GT: Jane and Roxy haven't either apparently.  
GT: We're worried about you.  
GT: I'm worried about you, love.  


“Shit,” he murmured.

 _‘Shit! You made him worry, I.E. the exact thing you were trying to avoid, dumbass! This is your fault. Fix it!’_ He internally chastised himself. This _was_ his fault. If he wasn’t so fucked up, his friends wouldn’t be worrying. Jake wouldn’t be worrying. He didn’t know how to make them understand that he was doing it for their sake. He knew he should reply with something reassuring, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to lie, but he knew it would probably be in Jake’s best interest if he did, but ultimately, Dirk wound up stepping away from the one-sided conversation altogether, internal conflict clouding his better judgement.

He removed his shades, placing them on his desk and rubbing at his eyes, feeling the dark circles he didn’t have to see to know were there. He was so tired.

He made his way to the bathroom, a familiar sense of dread growing is his stomach. He turned on the shower in preparation to clean up the mess he was about to make, closing the shower curtain to keep the water from splashing out. He sat on the bathroom floor, back against the wall, hoping the water would drown out any noise that would escape him, and dampen the silence ringing in his ears.

Dirk had walked away from his computer before he could read Jake’s final messages.

GT: Dirk?  
GT: Blast it, I'm coming over. 

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

Upon entering Dirk’s apartment, the thing that struck Jake the most was how quiet and still it was.

“Dirk?” He called out apprehensibly. He strained his ears for an answer. The apartment was small, so there was no doubt if Dirk were here, he would have heard Jake’s shout, and Jake would have heard his reply if there had been one. As Jake ventured further, the only sound he was met with was running water. Of course. 

Jake walked through the apartment to the bathroom, figuring he should make his presence known—if he didn’t, there was no telling how long Dirk would stay there. 

He gripped the door handle, noting that the door was slightly cracked, which was also unusual. He hesitated for a moment. “Dirk…?” 

Jake was greeted with a horrible sight as he pushed the door open, “What the bloody hell are you doing?!” He shouted, horrified.

Dirk was on the floor, hunched on his knees, a pair of scissors clutched in one hand, poised to continue carving into his already bloodied opposite wrist. He still seemed ignorant of Jake’s presence. Jake rushed forward in pure panic, grabbing Dirk by the wrists, forcing his hands apart so he could do more harm.

“No!” Dirk cried, sounding borderline hysterical as he fought to bring the sharp tool back to his skin.

“Dirk, stop!” Jake’s second shout seemed to have returned some lucidity to Dirk, causing him to relent his fighting for a fleeting moment; long enough for Jake to catch the wild terror in his amber eyes, shades absent and tear tracks glistening on his cheeks.

Dirk’s worst dread was becoming realized. 

“Drop it. Please.”

After a moment of hesitation, Jake let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, feeling some of the tension leave Dirk’s arms. Dirk simply opened his hand, releasing his grip on the scissors, letting them fall from his palm to the tile. Jake let go of Dirk, grabbing the scissors by the handle from where they fell and slid them somewhere behind him, hopefully far from Dirk’s reach. He noticed his hands were smudged with blood, only now fearing how violently he had gripped Dirk’s wounded wrists. Despite this, he gingerly brought his hands up to either side of Dirk’s face, too concerned for his boyfriend to care if he smeared blood there as well, and Dirk was too tired to be concerned.

“What the blazes were you thinking?!” Dirk flinched, averting his gaze. He opened his mouth to speak, but all that came was a sob.

Jake immediately pulled Dirk into his arms, letting him cry into his shoulder, arms limp at his sides in defeat. “I’m sorry,” he whimpered. He felt pathetic. Jake just held him closer, once again feeling his jagged bones through his shirt as he rubbed circular patterns into Dirk’s back. 

“It’s quite alright, love.” Releasing him, Jake wiped the tears from Dirk’s cheeks. “Just tell me why.”

“I-I don’t know…I…” Dirk bit his lip, cursing himself for tripping over his words. That was a lie; he did know why. Yet, he blanked, unable to summarize the misery and paranoia he had repressed as best as he could, and it was all coming out at once. He settled on voicing what plagued him most of all; the thing that caused him so much perturbation these past few months, “Please don’t leave me, Jake.”

Dirk’s tone sounded as if Jake had left him already; and in Dirk’s mind, he might as well have. Jake felt his heart shatter, appalled that Dirk would even entertain the sentiment that he would abandon him, especially now in what was apparently a time of need. “Of course not, Dirk. Here,” he took a moment to shut the running water off before helping Dirk to his feet. Dirk stumbled for a moment, clinging to Jake. Bright, fuzzy colors blotted his vision upon standing so quickly. Once he was steady, Jake motioned for him to sit on the lowered toilet seat. “Why on earth would you ever think that?”

“Why haven’t you?” Dirk returned defensibly, avoiding the question at hand out of pure habit. Now that everything was out in the open, he had already begun rebuilding his walls. Jake was familiar with this eccentricity. Jake knew Dirk better than Dirk realized, despite the barriers he had tried so hard to maintain.

“Dirk.” He sounded disheartened, but his gentle and sincere tone persisted. In Dirk’s own mind he was not deserving of the kindness. Jake lowered himself to his knees in front of him, trying to catch Dirk’s lowered gaze, “Look at me.”

Dirk forced his eyes to meet Jake’s, still distant and defensive. 

“You’re going to have to talk to me. I know you quite well but you still have to guide me through that labyrinth of a brain you have. I can’t understand what’s bothering you if you don’t help me understand. You’ve pulled away from our friends, pulled away from me, you’re terribly thin; heaven knows the last time you made yourself a proper meal, and now this?” He exhaled, taking a moment to calm himself. His voice had crescendoed to a level he hadn’t intended, and Dirk had flinched away from him again. Sighing, he took Dirk’s hands into his grasp. They were trembling. “Dirk, how long have you been doing this to yourself?”

Dirk shrugged. “A few months maybe?” he conceded. “I don’t exactly keep track, Jake.”

“You’ve got to stop this, Dirk.”

“That’s easier said than done.”

“Then let me help you.”

“You can’t help me.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t deserve it, Jake!” Dirk cringed, feeling worse for letting it slip, but it gave Jake some relief in the initial moment, and a pang in his heart the next. Jake knew he would have to metaphorically wrestle the truth out of Dirk. At least he was making progress. Jake knew he would have to be especially patient, but he couldn’t suppress his growing internal agitation. 

“Dirk…” Jake shook his head, letting out an exacerbated sigh as he stood up. This conversation was far from over but Jake could no longer ignore the fact that Dirk was still bleeding. He began rummaging through the bathroom cabinets looking for first aid supplies, hoping that maybe Dirk would elaborate on his previous statement, but deep down Jake knew that was wishful thinking—and he was correct. Dirk remained silent until Jake returned to his previous position, kneeled in front of Dirk, and motioned for Dirk to hold out his arms. With shaky uncertainty, he complied.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Do you honestly think I’m just going to let you keep bleeding like that?” Dirk didn’t reply, he just lowered his gaze back to his lap, crestfallen, waiting for Jake to finish wrapping his arms. 

“Why aren’t you mad?”

“What?” Jake stopped his ministrations.

“Why aren’t you yelling at me right now? Why aren’t you telling me that you’re tired of my melodramatic bullshit?” Dirk stood up, making Jake fall back slightly. He stood in the bathroom doorway, distressed and agitated. His voice wavered despite his best efforts to keep his emotions under control, but he felt tears welling in his eyes. “Why are you even still here?”

Jake, staring up at Dirk from his place on the floor, looked dumbfounded. He opened his mouth to speak, then changed his mind, shaking his head before standing up. Dirk disappeared from the doorway before Jake could find the right words to reply. “Dirk!” Jake rushed from the bathroom. Dirk was opening his bedroom door that Jake had left slightly ajar. Jake forced the door shut again and worked his way between it and his boyfriend, eyeing him fiercely. “I don’t know where you think you’re going, Strider, but you’re not getting there until you talk to me.”

Now Dirk was at a loss for words. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was trying to accomplish by leaving, he just knew he’d rather be anywhere other than here. He lowered his head for a moment before he felt hands meet his cheeks, tilting his face up to meet Jake’s gaze. 

“I’m not mad at you, Dirk. I’m just disappointed that you didn’t ask me, or Jane, or Roxy, or Dave, or anyone for help! I know you think you can’t be helped, but I think that’s absurd. Come here.” Jake led Dirk over to his bed making him sit down, and Jake sat beside him, beginning to gingerly clean the blood away from Dirk's cheeks that he had so carelessly smeared there before. “Now let me finish cleaning you up while you talk.” He finished wiping his face and returned to wrapping his arms.

Dirk breathed a defeated sigh. “I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Ever since the game ended I…I don’t know. I’m just so scared, and I don’t even know why. We’re supposed to be safe here, but what if we’re not? I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you or Roxy or Dave… I have to be able to protect you, to- to-“

Jake stopped applying the bandages and took Dirk firmly by the shoulders, “Dirk, it’s okay, just relax. I’m here. Take a deep breath for me.”

He took a moment to get his breathing under control before he continued, “Ive just felt so worthless… I was afraid you would think less of me for… coping… in the way that I was.”

“Oh, Dirk, no.” Jake moved his hands from Dirk’s shoulders to his biceps. “I could never think less of you. Especially not for something like that. Thank you for telling me. I’ve really missed you.” he blushed. “Could… could you keep talking?”

“I really don’t know what you want me to say, Jake.”

“Anything you want.” He released Dirk’s arm once he had secured the bandage. After a moment of timid hesitation, Dirk threw his arms around Jake, clinging to him like a life-line. Jake returned the hug, holding him close.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, love. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”


End file.
